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Suicide in Ireland
Eternal Smile

Name Withheld

I’ll remember that second of the day so clearly. The looks on their faces, their words first poured out. I thought this must be a joke, it just couldn’t be. Confusion set in – would I cry? Would I shout? Those first days of shock became a blur and went quickly. In our minds we still held onto those eyes, that smile. Of everyone I knew I would’ve picked you last. We’ll just have to get use to not seeing you for a while. Such a good friend to us all, it seems so unfair. In you we confided it our hopes, dreams and fears. So much going for you – you had so much happiness to share. A good life cut short, nothing left now but memories.

No one will ever know what was going through your mind. At that second you decided your life was to end. You may be happier now, but we still need to cry. Someday, somewhere, we hope we’ll laugh with you again.

Nothing, absolutely nothing can prepare you for suicide. No news reports, articles, features or statistics can ever inform you enough. It’s nothing new to anyone that the rates of suicide among young people have risen so much in recent years. But still the sense of disbelief you feel when someone you know has decided it’s too much for them and that they would rather not fight their private demons anymore is overwhelming.

In the small close-knit community where I live we all grew up with deaths of young and old neighbours affecting us someway or another. But nothing could have foreseen the effect that a suicide among us would have on this place. Never before had I witnessed something rock the community so much, tear it apart and leave it raw to all kinds of emotions. But, on the other hand, never had I seen the community pull together so much, with young and old alike experiencing similar pain.

They tell you to be aware of the signs and always be aware. That is the problem. In my case, there were no signs and this makes it all the much more unbearable. When someone, you believe you know inside out does the unthinkable, without a warning, a sign, a cry for help, nothing – it is the worst feeling imaginable.

Grief, shock, anger and guilt are just some of the emotions I experienced after it all. I truly believe if my friend knew the hurt, pain and anguish we were all to go through during those days of the funeral, they just might have given it a second thought. No one knows what’s going on inside any individual’s mind no matter how well you think you know them. Suicide is becoming too common. People need to be encouraged to talk more, especially young men. I truly believe that "a problem shared is a problem halved".

For many people good counselling services are available following this kind of bereavement. Unfortunately for us, this service was not on hand at the time. We have helped each other through the unbearable times up to a certain point. But in the end, we all deal with death in different ways. Everyday I see people around me still in pain, still grieving and still in shock. This is something that nobody will ever forget and will haunt us for the rest of our lives. True, it gets easier with time but we will never forget it. Access to a trained professional should be provided as a rule. Where suicide is concerned, it could help heal many open wounds or in some cases even prevent many more.

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