The
Creatures of the Classroom
Don O' Meara
Ballincollig C.S.
Don O'Meara looks at Teachers
One of the most fascinating creatures of the animal kingdom is around
us everyday. Its presence strikes fear into people everywhere and its
actions anger many. Yet no matter how you may feel on the subject it is
amazing the variety of these creatures exist in Ireland's climate alone.
I am referring to the infamous 'Teacher' also known by the Latin, Give-us-Thirty
Percentus. These cunning resourceful creatures were recently placed on
the endangered species list due to a report that their numbers were falling.
Recent studies show nine main types of teacher, with many more being discovered
almost every day.
Depending on food sources or climactic conditions Teachers tend to move
in herds for safety. The herd is defended and kept under control by a
single master or 'Head' Teacher (Masterio Maximus), it has been observed
in the wild that this individual can have considerable power within a
group. Clearly seen because of its neatness and clear booming tone, this
individual has an air of commanding power and is not shy about putting
rogue teachers in their place. Although there is one all-powerful leader
there is usually a second in command (Masterio Inferious) ready to take
over the head position if the old leader is removed or rejected by the
herd. This individual, although eager to enforce its influence, has no
real power within the group and carries out only minor roles within herds.
One of the most common animals is the notorious Irish Teacher (Gaelicous
Perplexous). The Irish Teacher uses cunning confusion tactics to stun
and attack its prey. Its main source of defence is the deadly Irish poem,
which it wields with devastating accuracy when attacking. The pelt of
this creature is useless to poachers because of its age. A typical fur
from this animal consists of a corduroy material or the familiar Aran
jumper and tweed. A close but more dangerous relative to the Irish species
is the English Teacher. Its fiery temper and its quickness to anger make
it the most dangerous of the teacher species. Cryptic Shakespeareous has
a distinctive sound ranging from a deep booming to a high pitched screeching
sound which can be heard across many classrooms. The use of a natural
defence mechanism called the English Play is the common weapon of this
creature. An old German legend tells of how the demon Shakespeare granted
the 'power of the play' to English Teachers at the dawn of time to use
against their enemies. Modern science dismisses this fantastical story.
The Mathematic Teacher (Theoremous la Pythagoras) is also a common sight
in many places. Seen as an advanced form of the Cryptic Shakespeareous
this animal is highly intelligent, something distinctly unusual for the
teacher species. The Theorem is the main form of defence and attack for
this creature. A victim of the Theorem suffers disorientation and a crippling
headache and should be brought to a doctor as quickly as possible to prevent
brain damage. The language of this animal is known as Algebra. Recently
an American team deciphered some of this language and discovered that
x = y. Apart from this advance the rest of the language is believed to
be indecipherable.
The History Teacher (Olde Fossilus) is one of the 3 ancient teacher groups.
The 3 prehistoric Teacher groups are the History, Geography and the nearly
extinct Latin Teacher. The History Teacher is usually placid and slow
to anger - it uses the 4-page essay as an easy deterrent to would be attackers.
A close cousin of the History Teacher is the Geography Teacher (Geographic
Continental Driftus). As old as the History Teacher this creature is adaptable
to all climates though it prefers to live near mountainous areas. Some
have been documented to be flourishing near volcanic regions or areas
susceptible to earthquake activity.
One of the most far-reaching species has to be the Language Teacher (Foreign
Grammericus). This creature has many forms ranging from the common German
and French varieties to the lesser known Spanish and Italian species.
The use of grammar to stun or kill prey is common within the Language
teacher with no known anti-venom against the grammar.
The most knowledgeable of the teacher varieties is the Science Teacher
(Scientifico laboratorious). Studies upon all Teacher species have shown
that when one of these animals was placed in a maze it found the food
and the other end quicker than all the other species. This type of Teacher
is divided into 3 sub-sections according to the unique defence adaptations
of each. The Biology Teacher (Dissectus Humanous Bodious) has adapted
to defend itself with anatomy lessons. The use of complex diagrams and
long unpronounceable words is enough to disable the average person for
up to half an hour. The Chemistry teacher (Periodic Tableous) is a more
deadly form of the Biology Teacher, and brandishes the notorious periodic
table if angered. The final Teacher in this group is the Physics Teacher
(Tedious Formula). The use of brute force and a shrill voice is the preferred
weapon of this animal and it must always be approached with caution -
some have been known to use electricity as a means of defence.
New species are being discovered all the time and studies and tests tell
us more about these prehistoric creatures everyday. Nonetheless they are
wild and not domesticated animals and must always be approached with extreme
caution. For more information talk to your Local Health Board with questions
on the health risks of these animals.
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