You
Know you're Worried About Your Exams When...
Oisin Horgan
Skerries CC
1. You ask your language teacher
to cover the 'Uncertain Future Tense', you hope this will entitle you
to extra coupons when you're drawing the dole.
2. You quit your job because
your careers teacher told you that terminally poor students that are forced
to beg on the streets for lunch money are better motivated for their Leaving
Cert.
3. Instead of sleeping, you
study. Every time you close your eyes at night you see visions of failure
and are unable to sleep anyway.
4. You start refining a giant
vat of Jolt Cola in the garden shed for that final stretch of 24/7 cramming
on the run up to June.
5. You stop cleaning up in
the hope that you will lose the remote control under the piles of rubbish
and get more work done.
6. You have stopped complaining
about stress and have recognised panic as a useful study tool (and maybe
the only thing that will get you to college in October).
7. You read an essay at http://www.expage.com/thefridgedoor
entitled 'Drinking Your Way To A Happier Future', and thought it had its
merits.
8. You decide that even though
you'll miss her, leaving your girlfriend could give you a greater statistical
chance of doing well in your exam.
9. You live in fear of your
teachers responding to your traditional plea of "I don't understand" with
"OF COURSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A BLOODY IDIOT"
and that they'll be right.
10. You're nurturing a problem
with authority, since when failing your exam everyone else is going to
have more of it than you do for the rest of your life. You know its time
to get bitter.
11. You constantly reassure
yourself with how much money you'll make over seven years working in McDonalds
at £6.40 an hour while your best friend studies to be a doctor.
12. You take heart in fulfilling
your function as part of the average. Since the system works on the assumption
that some students will get honours, some pass and some fail, should you
NOT fail your exams someone else would have had to for you. You must be
the kind of unselfish self-sacrificing person employers are looking for
13. The most relaxing thought
you've had in eighteen months is "how do religion teachers justify their
salary, when unlike all proper teachers they don't prepare students for
an exam?" At least I'll be registered to vote next year regardless of
how I do in my exams.
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