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Volume 1 (1999/2000) Volume 2 (2000/2001) Volume 3 (2001) Categories
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Jerry Springer vs. HamletClaire EganCrowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry Springer: Today we're talking about feuding families. To some, our families our families are those who love us unconditionally, but what happens when that family are torn apart by jealousy and murder? Meet Hamlet, a young prince from Denmark, and his mother, Gertrude. (Pause). Hamlet, tell us your story. Hamlet: I was an only child and I loved my father deeply but he was killed by Uncle Claudius! Crowd: Ohh, Ohh, Ohh Jerry: I see. Gertrude, were you aware of this? Gertrude: Hamlet has never made it a secret that he doesn't like his Uncle, Jer. Is it ok if I call you Jer? But, Hammy dear, I really think your going too far by accusing him of killing your Dad! Hamlet: Mummy, I can't believe you called me Hammy on national TV!! Jerry: And what proof do you have that your Uncle killed your father? Hamlet (matter of factly): My father's ghost told me! Crowd erupts in laughter. Jerry: Hmm, interesting. Well, we've heard from both you and your mother, so now lets hear the other side of the story. Claudius, come on down! Claudius comes out, with his hands up in the air. Crowd: Boo, Hiss, Boo! Claudius takes his seat besides Gertrude and kisses her. Crowd: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Ohh Hamlet (getting pretty emotional): And after he killed my Dad, he married my mum!! Crowd: Ohhh Boo Claudius: I'll teach you to spread lies on national telly. Come 'ere you! Claudius lunges at Hamlet. The 'Jerry Springer' security team has a job trying to get them off each other! Hamlet: You stupid sorry 'BEEP' 'BEEP' 'BEEP load of 'BEEP!! Claudius: Ah shut up you little ungrateful 'BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!! Jerry: Now that we are all sitting, Claudius, why don't you tell your version of events? Claudius: I do my best, I really do. Its not easy trying to be a father figure as well as run a country. I've done everything I can. I even send him to England when he, em, got into a spot of bother over the killing of my Principle Counsellor of State, Poloniius. And how does he repay me? By killing his mates, Rosencratz and Guildenstern!! That's three people he has killed in the space of one day! That boy is costing me a fortune in coffins!! Crowd: boo! Hamlet: That's because you sent them to kill me!! Crowd: hiss! Claudius: No I didn't, you little brat! Hamlet: Wanna take this outside King? Hamlet throws himself on Claudius and they roll around on the floor until security manages to pull them apart. Gertrude: This is the last time I ever go anywhere with you two again, talk about embarrassing! (She dissolves in tears) Hamlet pulls his chair away from Gertrude and Claudius. Jerry: Yes, the gentleman with his hand up? Man: It seems to me that Hamlet feels that Claudius has taken the throne and Hamlet feels threatened by that. Is that so? Hamlet: No. Go talk to the 'bloat', king over there Jerry: Yes, woman with the big hair? Big Hair: I just want to say to Gertie that I would have gone totally insane if I were in her position. So you go girl! Crowd erupts in cheers. Gertrude looks happier. Jerry: I just want to say that counseling will be available after the show. And we have a big bucket of Prozac for you Gertrude. Gertrude (winking): Thanks Gorgeous. Hamlet: Mummy, stop flirting with Jerry Springer!! Jerry: Ok last question. Yes, you sir. Sir: Yeah, Hamlet, if you were so mad at Claudius for killing your Dad, why didn't you just kill him already? You are nothing but a procrastinating coward!! Crowd erupt in cheers. Jerry: Just out of interest Hamlet, are you on any type of, err, medication for your behaviour? Hamlet: Why would I? It's because I'm Danish, isn't it, you racist pig!! Jerry: Ahh no. Now for final though..... Gertrude (still sobbing loudly): My son is a gay druggie! Where did I go wrong?? Jerry: As they say, blood runs thicker than water, but if...... Hamlet (jumping to his feet): Ahh, can it you rascist!! (he headbutts Jerry!) Gertrude (shocked): Darling, you just head butted Jerry Springer!! Claudius: I knew you had it in you son!! Hamlet: 'BEEP' off! (and flounces off stage) Gertrude: Somebody better call an ambulance for that man, he's bleeding everywhere. And I know how difficult it is to get blood out of carpet!! Claudius: Why won't he accept me Gertie? Gertrude: You know what they are like at that age, dear. And with that they exit, hand in hand. |