Volume 1 (1999/2000)
Issue 1 (March 1999)
Issue 2 (Nov. 1999)
Issue 3 (Dec. 1999)
Issue 4 (Feb. 2000)
Issue 5 (March 2000)
Issue 6 (April 2000)
Issue 7 (May 2000)

Volume 2 (2000/2001)
Issue 1 (Sept. 2000)
Issue 2 (Oct. 2000)
Issue 3 (Jan. 2001)
Issue 4 (March 2001)
Issue 5 (April 2001)
Issue 6 (May 2001)

Volume 3 (2001)
Issue 1 (Sept. 2001)
Issue 2 (Nov. 2001)

Categories
Sport: 1 2 3
Lifestyles: 1 2 3
Commentary: 1 2 3
Review: 1 2 3
Writing: 1 2 3
Event: 1 2 3

Be Afraid, Be very Afraid

Don O’Meara
Ballincollig CS, Cork

The presence of super-bugs in hospitals has gripped the medical world. Diseases immune to antibiotics are rampant in hospitals all over the world. The 21st century has just begun and already analysts have found a new virus. This virus, although in development for a number of years, is now showing its true destructive force. After decimating America, the Continent and England the disease has taken its toll here. The virus is called the Telecom Teenage Neuron-destructive strand or Telecomosis. This highly infectious disease has reached what was described as uncomfortable levels in Ireland.

The disease is a mutation of the Yuppie group strand. These diseases, after entering the human brain, turn relatively normal teenagers into mindless vegetables, or 'yuppies' to use the scientific term. The diseases appears in three stages:
1. Ear destruction
2. Feminisation
3. The parasite growth (where the mobile phone appears)

The time it takes for the disease to develop differs depending on certain genetic conditions. The main group contains those with the superiority chromosome in their blood. This causes the carrier to impulsively buy all the latest technology to feed their over-inflated ego. The second group have a peer pressure gene present in neurological tissue. This causes head trauma unless the sufferer keeps up with the latest trends and fashions. 30% of the population have these genetic defects but new studies show that the numbers are rising and should reach 35% by 2005.

Stage one of the infection involves the destruction of the eardrum. This automatically causes the sufferers to shout, especially in quiet areas. This can be seen clearly in public areas or in a quiet classroom. The type of person to own one of these mobile phones/parasites are prone to shouting loudly, rowdiness and showing off their wealth in any way they can. If you know anyone who fits this description you must report it to your health authority. This person is, or could be, a menace to society. Many people have come forward admitting that if they had seen the signs, their friend/son/daughter may not have developed this social disease. The playing of dance music/pop music is also sign of the disease's development. The cause of this is ear destruction. The sufferer believes that this noise is actually music and so unknowingly tortures those who are not infected. At this point the relation between those who partake in the above actions and those who do not reaches an all time low.

Feminisation is the next stage. The virus cannot fully develop in the high testosterone levels and so changes the male chemical composition to tolerable levels. The male blood is chemically changed to mimic that of a woman. This stage is clearly visible as the victim wears rings on their fingers and pierces their ears. This is due to the chemical imbalance. The male subconsciously thinks that they are a woman and so proceeds to wear thick rings and ear studs/rings. In most cases only one ear will be pierced - this can be explained by the internal battle between the immune system and the virus. The virus can only control half of the body before it takes total control. Hence only one half of the body is feminised. In some cases when the virus takes control both ears will be mutilated in the same manner. The victim lies in complete ignorance thinking this is fashion and does not feel awkward about becoming a woman.

The final stage is the growth of the parasite (mobile phone). Although its physical appearance may vary, it always has two objectives:
l. To drain the host of resources
2. To inflict torture on non-carriers of the parasite.

The parasite firstly drains a teenager's most vital resource, money. To maintain their new found 'social status', large investment will be taken from the carrier of the phone and spent mindlessly on the plastic leech. The carrier of the unholy object is now fully immersed in the belief that their social life has reached a new high. Attaching the parasite to the waist area, the carrier feels their superiority as they show off their latest money wasting venture. This is done so all the population can see the object, its cost and just how high in the social classes they are. The pain inflicted on non-carriers of the 'money leech' is enormous. In confined areas we have all had the urge to choke the living daylights out of some mobile phone carrier who deserved it. The pain and anger begins to boil as the phone user begins the harrowing task of playing everyone the phone’s ringing tones. I'm sure we were all on a long train or bus journey where some parasite victim has tried to compose his or her own ring tone. But I must urge you not to interfere with this action as the virus clouds the mind of the user. To them their attempt at composure is brilliant. The progress of the virus will develop until every useless piece of technology, gadget or novelty is purchased.

Minister for Health Michael Martin said a vaccine would be given to all teenagers. This vaccine contains a strong dose of common sense to prevent the stages leading up to, and including the purchase of, the parasite. The Minister said that euthanasia was the only solution to those with advanced stages of the disease!

Back to the top